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  #1  
Old 10-29-2007, 10:49 PM
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GNEPIG GNEPIG is offline
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J O T D

Joke of the day: I laughed so hard, I made the dogs in the front yard bark!



While walking through the Boulder, Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, I'm not kidin', would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then
stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there chained to the tree naked. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day, is it, Cupcake?"


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  #2  
Old 10-31-2007, 07:44 PM
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GNEPIG GNEPIG is offline
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Yeah, how many of you went to work and told that joke to someone, I had the whole store rollin to day with that one.



Grandma's from the south:

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since ou were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send both of you to the electric chair."
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  #3  
Old 11-01-2007, 12:26 AM
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prometheus578 prometheus578 is offline
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"Not really a joke, but..."

I received this PM from WildKat a while back.
Figgered I'd share it, and my reply.


Dear Prom:
I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for a ride on my FJ, leaving John in the house watching the TV, as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the bike shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get John's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I told him to stop or I would leave him.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
I don't know what to do...
Can you please help me?

WildKat
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Dear WildKat:
A bike stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check that the petcocks are working properly, and that the vacuum line hasn't popped offa the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel hose "octopus" itself is faulty, causing low delivery flow to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
PROMETHEUS
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  #4  
Old 11-01-2007, 01:22 AM
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Wildkat Wildkat is offline
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That is utterly ridiculous and I can't believe you would post this!

I don't HAVE an octopus on my bike!




Sorry Gene...
I heard the first one already so I didn't respond... come to think of it... I didn't respond to the first person telling it either...

I REALLY liked the second one (I'd tell it to someone... if I could tell a joke)
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James 3:17

If I can make at least one person smile, or pee their pants a little, or maybe spit out their drink; then my day is not wasted.

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  #5  
Old 11-01-2007, 01:54 AM
mro mro is offline
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Talking John?

Quote:
80 SG The Bargain Basement Bag Lady (play thing )
80 LG - needs LOTS of help
80 SG - HWMBO's bike Twilite Special

mro
no octopus needed
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  #6  
Old 11-01-2007, 02:27 AM
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Stralya Stralya is offline
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You think Old Southern women are honest?

I think little Australian girls are the most honest people in the World.

**Editted for ADULT CONTENT....the "F" word, can still view it, just not directly shown in thread!**
http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/c...ntas_uckfa.jpg

We breed 'em right!

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  #7  
Old 11-01-2007, 06:32 AM
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John John is offline
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Re: "Not really a joke, but..."

Quote:
Originally posted by prometheus578
I received this PM from WildKat a while back.
Figgered I'd share it, and my reply.


.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I told him to stop or I would leave him.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
I don't know what to do...
Can you please help me?

WildKat
__________________________________________________ __

PROMETHEUS
Hey!! WTF??? Don't believe anything you read here! I'll have you know that I have been employed by the same company for over 22 years! And besides, they were in my dresser drawer! I didn't know they weren't mine till I tried them on. Honest!

Last edited by John; 11-01-2007 at 07:00 AM.
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  #8  
Old 11-01-2007, 06:44 AM
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trbig trbig is offline
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Quote:
I have been employed by the same company for over 22 years!

Outta all that.... that's all he's denying!! lol..


I will say though... if you can get all dressed up and makeup on in the time it takes Kat to go a few hundred yards, You need to start a class for ALL women!



Tod
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  #9  
Old 11-01-2007, 02:09 PM
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No offence to texans or californians but I thought this was too funny.

did you guys hear the one about the californian that went down to buy some land on a ranch in texas. the buyer says to the seller, what is there to do around here? the texan says, oh look right over there, one of my sheep has its head stuck in the fence! so he goes over and starts :censoring: the sheep right then and there. The californian says "excuse me!!!" and the texan says, "im sorry where are my manners... would you like to partake in some of this?" and the californian says "you're darn right I would" and goes and sticks his head in the fence.
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  #10  
Old 11-02-2007, 09:20 PM
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GNEPIG GNEPIG is offline
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Child Birth

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic
responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his @ss again!"
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  #11  
Old 11-02-2007, 11:40 PM
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GNEPIG GNEPIG is offline
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A little late for Halloween, but what the hey

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost."
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  #12  
Old 11-03-2007, 10:56 PM
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GNEPIG GNEPIG is offline
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A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands really good, I want a cheeseburger
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  #13  
Old 11-05-2007, 10:26 PM
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GNEPIG GNEPIG is offline
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One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.



He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad goin at it behind her.

Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny

closed the door.



After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He

opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and

Little Johnny goin at it behind her.



Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'



Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?!'
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  #14  
Old 11-06-2007, 12:29 AM
mro mro is offline
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Talking Little Johny

Hey GNEPIG
just how many cookies have you had?
and little Johny got some ...?


mro
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  #15  
Old 11-06-2007, 10:51 AM
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BrianB BrianB is offline
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Little Johnny

I never saw that one coming. LMAO!!!!!!!!!
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